you dont know what you have until its gone
by fanofshenny
Summary: if you are a fan of Leonard or Amy don't read.
1. Chapter 1

I awoke like usual. After putting on my dressing gown and slippers I went into the front room poured my cereal, added the milk and had sat in my spot. Once I was comfortable I turned on doctor who. It was my favorite episode but it was still sad. Goodbye rose. I thought about what would happen after work tonight. It was anything can happen thursday. I wanted to spend it with Penny and a big bowl of spagetti with cut up hotdogs but I knew Amy was making me take her out on a date. I shuddered. I didn't like the pressure she had started to apply. Maybe I could ask stuart to take her on another date.

Fourty minutes later I was about to go get dressed when I noticed a letter had been slipped under the door. I stood up and made my way over to pick it up. My mind began to move like the flash and I wondered internally how I had not spotted it, where it had come from and just how many germs it might hold if the person had licked the envelope. I believed it was from Penny but then I realised she wouldn't be up this early in the morning. After gingerly picking it up and breaking the seal I walked over to the desk and began to read.

**_Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, Howard, Bernadette and Amy, _**

**_This is the hardest thing I shall ever write. Sheldon don't make some remark about my Intelligence. I know I'm stupid and I know im a blonde monkey to you, I don't need you to remind me like you do everyday._**

**_I have known you for years, all of you but lately I have begun to open my eyes. In the last few year I have made some terrible decisions. In short i have slowy ruined myself. With the amount of alcohol I have ingested I'm surprised I don't have long-lasting liver damage. I look around when we are all together and I realised just how similar you all are. Together you are all happy. Howard and bernadette your married and soon you'l be having kids. Sheldon just thinking about how much Amy has helped you to change and release your phobias. Leonard our relationship has been killing us. You used to be the sweetest guy, but I ruined you. I just make things hard. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I'm sorry I have disrupted all of your lives. I'm finally going to do what is right. Right for me and right for you. I am leaving. realised I should have actually listened to my dad and now I know how right he was. I need to change. I need to stop using you guys and grow up. By the time you read this I will be gone. I don't know if I am ever coming back. If you ever do see me again I wont be the same. I refuse to be a alcholic, shoe obsessed, mooch with a failed career in acting that has caused me to still be stuck waitressing. I bid you all my final goodbye as the Penny you knew. _**

**_Penelope Queen_**

The feelings I was experiencing confused me deeply. I found myself wanting to cry in pain. To my knowledge I was not physically hurt but I was pained like I was. Penny believed that I thought of her as a blonde monkey, as dumb. I wanted to clutch my heart in pain. Without thinking I left the apartment and rushed to 4b. It was unlocked. It hurt me even more when I saw that everything was gone. The tears fell and I couldn't stop them. I sank down onto the floor not even caring about the germs. My Penny was gone. I stood and walked away from my pain. By the time I stopped crying I found myself standing outside Leonard's room. He didn't deserve the memorys he had of her. He had her love and her heart but he had played with it. I had watched as she slowly fell apart. I had done nothing to stop it. Inside I felt nothing but disgust, whether it was at Leonard or myself I was unsure. Sighing and crying I knocked normally and let myself in. He was grinning. The knock made him think I was penny coming to sleep with him. It made me want to rip him apart. I couldn't believe she blamed herself for everything. It was mostly him. When he had first meet her, he knew nothing about her, he had told us that they would have smart and beautiful babys. That was not indeerment that was creepy. Penny queen was amazing. She didn't deserve a puppy eyed, lactose intolorant, asmatic dumbass. When he saw it was me he frowned. I gave him the note. When he finished reading he dropped it and ran to her apartment not caring about his state of undress. I picked the letter up and smoothed it. I knew I was keeping it forever. I went back to bed not even caring about work. Work be damn. I had lost my Penny.

I leaned over and grabbed the picture of us at disney land. She was smiling, I was smiling, Mickey was smiling. She had her arm around my shouders and my hand was slyly on her hip. I held it agianst my heart and tried to even my breath. I thought of all the good memorys I had of Penny. She had taken care of me while I was sick, she had kicked Todd Zarnecky in the nuts for me, she had begun working tuesdays though they were her day off. I had to stop. It wasn't helping. If anything it made me feel worse. I stuck my head under my pillow and just continued to cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Two years ago today I lost my best friend and the only woman I would ever love. she just disappeared and with her exit everything changed. i thought about everything that had happen since she had left.

_**I had to endure a few days of Amy moaning about Penny being selfish before I just lost it and dumped her. She had smirked and said I couldn't do that as she had not violated the relationship agreement. I remembered exactly what I had said to her. I gone to my bedroom and grabbed the relationship agreement. Everybody looked annoyed thinking I was going to start quoting it. I smirked. Walking into the kitchen area I put the relationship agreement in the sink, grabbed the kitchen matches and before anybody could argue I set it alight. " that is what I think of your agreement.**_

_**Everybody had been shocked but I knew the truth. When Penny left she took the Sheldon cooper everybody knew with her. I changed everything. About three months after dumping Amy and throwing myself into work I had a break through. I presented it to the university. A few days later I had a call. I had won the Nobel prize for physics with my discovery on string theory. If it hadn't been for the arctic I would have discover it sooner. I had achieved my lifes ambition at 31. I was one of the youngest to receive it.**_

_**Soon after I had shocked everybody again. I had quit. Achieving my dream had made me lose my passion for Physics. Leonard, Howard and Raj had yelled and lectured me. I shocked them again. I went to my bedroom and I grabbed the roommate agreement. It went up in flames as well. I turned to Leonard and Informed him that he could keep the apartment. I was done with him and I was done with the rest. There was only two of the lot who I wanted to still be friends with. Penny and Bernadette. **_

_**A few days after moving into my new place, It was beautiful, I had a knock on the door. I thought it was one of my neighbours. It was Bernadette and she was crying. She told me she had no one else and I let her in. To her surprise I just hugged her until her tears went away. When she was done I sat her down on the couch and waited for her to explain. What she told me shocked me. She had gone home to surprise Howard but she had got the shock of her life. She caught Howard cheating. I wasn't surprised until she told me who with. Howard had been on his back and Raj had been on top of him. She told me about how she had to go back there as she had no where else to go. She had chosen Howard over her family.**_

_**I informed her that my place had three bedrooms. I told her to go take a shower and borrow what ever she needed while I went over to Howard's to get her stuff. She seriously tried to hug the life out of me, then she did as suggested. I drove over to Howard's. I had gotten my license and brought a land rover. I knocked on the door. A naked Howard except for a sheet opened the door. Without saying a word I barged in and went to the bedroom. Ignoring Raj, who looked shocked to see me, I went into the walk in closet. As I had been the one to organise it in one of my old Ocd moments I knew where all Bernadotte's stuff was. I grabbed her cases and just packed. Howard had tried to stop ,me but I sent him a fierce glare. When I was finished I left without a word and drove home. **_

_**When I got back she was a sleep in a borrowed white t-shirt that was way to big. I decided to just let her sleep. Placing the cases at the bottom of her bed I had gone to my bed.**_

_**she had divorced Howard and moved in. The idiot had accused her of cheating on him with me. I reminded him who had cheated. To the disappointment of both parents Howard and Raj had both come out and confessed that they had been seeing each other for a year. He used Bernadette. But even that hadn't lasted long. Howard broke Raj. Because they were in a proper relationship he had realised it was not what he wanted. He wanted fun. Last I heard Howard now spends every night at the local gay bars and Raj had gone home and married a indian woman.**_

_**Amy Had slept with Pennys ex Zack a few times. After that she and Leonard had gotten it was just sex until penny came back and I saw sense.**_

I sighed and stopped travelling memory lane. I paid for the coffee and was about to leave when the object of my thoughts walked through the door, her hair in a high and tight bun. She looked amazing. I had quickly stood. She had her back to me. I listened as she ordered a black coffee. I tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around. Her eyes were emotionless at first. I felt hurt. But then she realised it was me. "Sheldon?" she said in suprise. She held out her hand to shake. I shook my head and pulled her into a tight hug, shocking the hell out of her. I lead her to a table and we began to talk.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke in the middle of the had been horrible. A bad dream had showed me exactly who I was. I was my mother. She had used my father just as I had used Leonard. After stopping to put on my robe I went into the living room. I kept thinking about the memory's I had seen in my mind. They had truly scared me. I had always looked at them with rose tinted glasses but in the dream there was no hiding. I blinked out of my thoughts and to my horror I was holding half a glass of Brandy. I couldn't even remember pouring it, let alone if I had only poured half or if I had drunk half in a minute. Is this what I had become? The irony slapped me hard in the face. Brandy was my moms choice of drink. I would come home from cheer practise and she would be passed out in the tub death gripping a bottle. To see it in my hand proved just how low I had sunk. In my fury I threw the glass into the sink. I went to my 'alcohol' cupboard and grabbed all 10 bottles. One by one they went down the sink and into a garbage bag.

I stood up from the couch and I was about to go back to bed I stopped stock still. Sheldon had been in my dream to. But I had seen him differently from Leonard. In the dream, memory's, I loved him. I could see it in the eyes of myself. I didnt look at Leonard like that. I never had and I never would. I loved Sheldon like a lover. That thought scared me more than anything else. I had to get away before I ruined Sheldon too. Working out the time difference I picked up the phone and called my dad. He sounded tired but his voice became more cheerful when he realised it was me. " Hey Penn, what's wrong darlin?" he asked. Just hearing his voice made me feel like crying. It made me think of Sheldon. " Dad I'm out of control. I'm going to take the suggestion you said to me before I left." I said with a slightly shaking voice. I heard him take in a deep breath before letting it out in a sigh. I knew what was coming. Before I had left he suggested I joined the army. I had said no and ran off with Kurt. Worst decision ever. " I'll send you the number." he said. It was a voice I recognised. He was trying to hold in his excitement and joy. " I'll talk to you in the morning." I told him. He hung up.

I knew I wasn't going back to bed. I went downstairs to the all night gas station and brought some boxes. Once back up stairs I began to pack up my home of five years. I did it carefully. Like Sheldon would. I didn't just shove things in boxes. By the time it was done the sun was an hour away from coming up. I began putting the boxes in my car. I knew that this was goodbye. I sat down on the couch and began to write. I hoped Sheldon would find this first. I put the key in the letter in hope that he would give it to the landlord. I put it under the door and went down the stairs. Once in the car I called the land lord ad told him I had vacated the flat. He was quite angry that this was such short notice. I apologised and hung up. After taking one last look at my home I started the car and drove away.


	4. Chapter 4

I had gone straight to the camp. My dad had enrolled me after he had hung up whilst I was packing. They understood about my age. Many girls who had wanted to live had come to the camp. They gave you discipline and made you into a warrior but it was your choice what you did with it. They showed me around. the place looked very nice and seemed like it would be easy. Next morning I learnt I was naïve.

We were awoke at 6am. I was still in bed when the trainer came round to check to see our time keeping. She had pulled me out of bed and made me do one hundred push ups for cheek. I could only do twenty before I felt nausea. " Every morning you will wake up at 5:50am and you will add ten press ups each day until you reach one hundred. If it takes you longer than a week there will be punishment. Do you understand?"  
"Mam yes mam." I said.

I would work on it until I cracked. It ws two years of none stop drinking that had done this to me. It was my fault and I would work hard to fix my mistakes. She lead us out to the obstacle course. She announced that the one who won it win an extra phone call home for this week. It was not very exciting but I tried my hardest to win to prove i could do something. I was half way across when my lung just gave up. I started coughing like crazy. She had not been impressed and had made me complete it till I was red in the face. I could see the disappointment in her face. It painfully reminded me of both my dad and Sheldon. I would keep doing this until I dropped.

Every morning I woke at 4 am and I would run around the obstacle course until I dropped. Gradually I started getting stronger and it took longer for me to get out of breath. The trainer must have realised what I was doing because every morning at 6 on the dot she smiled at me. I never smiled back. Smiles was for the old Penny. I was Penelope the machine. I would make up for running away from home. I would make myself and my dad proud or die trying.


End file.
